The Last Thoughts of the G.I. Joe Figures I Tortured as a Child, From Their Perspectives

BIG BEN (Duct-taped to a firecracker)

Cobra Commander’s crazy if he thinks I’m going to help him carry out his reign of terror by becoming a suicide bomber. I’ve just got to keep fighting the drugs they pump into my system and convincing myself the hallucinations aren’t real.

They’re just trying to break me down, but I’m stronger than that. I can’t be broken. This bomb they’ve strapped to me is just a trick. Once this fuse burns out, they’ll all step out of the shadows and congratulate themselves on shaking my resolve.

Must. Remain. Steadfast.

Unless it’s not a dud. Oh shit. Would they really sacrifice all they’ve worked for just to eliminate me? Oh shit. What if they know I’m not going to give? I’d be a lost cause and they’d have to dispose of me. Oh shit.

Mommy.

SCARLETT (Duct-taped to a model rocket)

They’ll come for me.

I know they will. “No Joe left behind.” That’s the motto, right?

Yep… any moment, my guys will burst through those blast doors, lay waste to any Cobra shock troops that pour out of the woodwork, and cut me down off this rocket. Any moment now…

Look at Cobra, all smug behind his launch console. That voice counting down’s got to be driving him nuts, too. Seventeen… sixteen…

You just wipe that smirk off your shiny face, asshole. This rocket’s going to take out the entire base once I’m off it.

Yep… five… four… OK, joke’s over, Joes. Time to come get me. Shut this thing down. I meant it. SHUT IT DOWN, NOW! I’M NOT KIDDING AROUND THIS TIME! GET ME OUT OF HE–!

SGT. BAZOOKA (Placed in front of lawnmower)

Goddamn, this jungle’s thick.

I’ve been separated from the rest of my company for days. I had to kill a wild boar with my bare hands for sustenance. That Punji trap back there nearly crippled me and–

*thwip thwip thwip thwip thwip*

What’s that sound? A helicopter? Should I pop a flare and reveal my position? No, too dangerous. Might be an enemy aerial patrol. Can’t risk getting picked up. Can’t go back to that POW camp. Just have to keep heading north, toward base–

*shkkt shkkt shkkt*

Too late! They’ve spotted me! Cobra Jungle Cutter, bearing right down on me, lopping off the tops of trees as though they were butter. Have to stay low to the ground, but… can’t! Foot caught in root! Almost on top of me!

Tell Mei-Ling I love her.

© 2005

Originally published in Monkeybicycle5 (2008).

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